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A female client came to me recently because she wanted to discover
how she could feel ‘happier’ at home. For some while,
she said she had felt restless, unfulfilled, and a little lonely.
This is a common topic for clients whose offspring have left to
find their own way in the world or whose job may have become humdrum
or who find their relationship with their husband/wife now lacks
any novelty.
New clients often think I will have magic answers and advice to
give them to put everything right. I quickly make it clear that
this is not how Life Coaching works and that in fact they already
have the answers; my job is to help to find them.
So back to my female client…when I asked her to tell me what
‘home’ is for her now she described a comfortable, safe
environment that she and her husband have worked hard for, where
they have financial security with no mortgage to pay. They have
more than enough space as the children have left, one being married
and the other in second year at University.
As I asked her to say a little about what ‘a home’
meant to her she became thoughtful for a while. When she spoke it
was to say she had been comparing three homes; hers as a child,
the current home she had helped to create as a wife and mother,
and ‘the home’ that her mother lives in as she can no
longer care for herself.
Her voice softened and picked up speed as she said, ‘Home
to me is a place of love, of nurturing, where problems are aired
and shared, where arguments happen and so do reconciliations. It’s
the place I want to return to, close the door, and shake off any
mask I wear for the outside world. It is a place where I can breathe
a sigh of relief. It’s where I give and take.’
Then I said, ‘Give me the first four words that come into
your head when I say happiness.’
She replied, ‘purpose, support, healthy and job-well-done’.
I asked her to tell me about a time when she did feel happy at
home. With enthusiasm she spoke of years of bedtime stories, of
birthday parties, of having the tissues ready when hearts were broken
over first loves, when two young teenagers filled the house with
noise, friends, mess, and energy; times when she had been a taxi
driver, cook, laundry maid, matron, arbitrator and much more besides.
When I reflected all this back to her I asked how it sounded -
and she said it was busy and full of energy, but not just any energy.
She said it sounded like there was energy stimulated by purpose,
love and growth.
‘I wasn’t really aware how much I was giving at the
time, I just was responding to the needs that were present in the
house. I was providing the children with what they needed and in
turn that gave me nourishment. I did a lot though didn’t I…how
did I find the time and go out to work?’
‘What nurturing is occurring in your home now?’
‘I’m not sure,’ she replied… ‘I don’t
feel there is any!’
‘What actions could you take to regain purpose and work towards
a feeling of a job-well-done?’
‘Well now there is only me and my husband.’
‘In coaching you can only talk about what you can do. You
cannot speak for the actions or determinations of another person.’
She replied she could think about what she could do now that she
has much more time, and list what she had not been able to do in
those busy years. She had always been interested in interior decorating
so she could sign up for a course and gradually change the décor
in the house to give it a feel that reflected the home it now is.
She spoke of there being purpose in doing a course as she and her
husband could then together work on changing the house, as he enjoys
decorating.
I observed that this would be a jointly supportive activity they
could share.
I asked what else she could do.
She could talk to her partner about having friends to dinner more
regularly.
Again, I asked, ‘What else?’
She could think of letting a room on a bed and breakfast basis
maybe to a foreign student, as she had always wanted to study another
language.
She could see if her husband was interested in doing something new
together such as planning weekend breaks, or Sunday walks.
She could start…..
She could…..
She……
She was away, her ideas flowing, and she was seeing the possibilities
- activities that would give her a sense of purpose. And when completed
she could stand back and see a job-well-done, personal development
for her in learning new skills that would be supported by, and supportive
of, her husband.
I then asked which of her ideas appealed most strongly, which she
would choose first. Having chosen, then what exactly was she going
to do and when was she going to do it. With these things established,
I asked if she was content to finish her session at this point.
She was, and so I gave her a question to take away and think about
until the next session.
‘What have I wanted to do and haven’t?’ she was
to ask herself.
A Life Coach listens at a deep level so she/he can ask appropriate
powerful and engaging questions. Such questions help you explore
your own values and beliefs, wants and needs, and will help you
gain balance and harmony in any area of your life.
Coaching helps you move from where you are to where you want to
be.
If you would like to experience coaching and begin to make changes
in your life then do get in touch.
©Sally Cooper CMIM
Sally is a fully qualified life coach working through her business
New Pastures Life Coaching. For more information or an appointment,
contact Sally on 01982 553166 or email sally@tpsf.co.uk
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